Asshole Kid in the Wild: My Kid Refuses to Walk Home

I really wish I was making these stories up (Asshole Kid in the Wild) and it wasn’t real like, but sadly, and hysterically (funny & crazy) this Asshole Kid schtuff is REAL! I am not sure I could make this stuff up if I tried. Asshole Kid in the Wold is REAL. Where is Real World: Toddler Edition when you need it?

After sending my first Asshole Kid post to a couple friends (was actually quite nervous about publishing an actual blog post titled Asshole Kid) I decided due to the nature of our day today I could actually post a second segment and quite possibly a third and fourth post is coming. Yes, it is that kind of day. The crazy kind where I have declared Family Nap Day (counting down…currently 62 minutes away from laying everyone down and sitting in a corner of my pantry and staring at the wall…), Asshole Kid hasn’t stopped throwing a fit since I picked him up from VBS, and he refuses to eat lunch, refuses to behave, refuses to stop screaming, and refuses listen to any type of reason known to man. (And weirdly enough while scorning me, he still wants to snuggle on my lap and watch a movie “he hates and is so weird and boring.” Right now he is currently screaming {from his room} that “this is so not great; there is nothing to do; this is the worst day ever; why is mommy so mean; why is brother so mean.”

But I am getting ahead of myself because all that is taking place as I type and after he threw a fit the entire way home from VBS which has continued faithfully since I pulled into the driveway and he refused to walk the rest of the way home. Did I kick him out of the car and make him walk home? I didn’t, but I can admit that it may have crossed my mind. Instead, we dropped out friends off at home that live 5 houses from us. The big boys asked if they could get out there and walk home. Sure! Sounds like fun! Get the kids out and running home. Maybe wear them out a little more. (Family Nap Day, remember!) It was all fun and games until the oldest ran faster than Asshole Kid in the wild and wouldn’t wait for him and two house away, Asshole Kid stops, throws himself on the ground and starts screaming like a wild animal. (Waiting for neighbor to come outside and possibly call CPS because child is writhing in her driveway screaming that he cannot walk and his mom and brother won’t help him home. (Really get a visual on this…oh wait, you don’t need to…here is a picture!)

I spy Asshole Kid in the wild. Can you see his head crouched up from the grass. Now if only I could have picked-up sound from the wild animal sounds of Asshole Kid in the wild.

Unfortunately, he was not responding to my requests to come home stating he absolutely could not walk. The next step was to pretend we were going to go inside without. Asshole kid doesn’t like to be left out. (Who does? Not me! I want to be included. Terrible case of FOMO.) This finally gets his attention, but he is certain he absolutely, positively cannot walk. I tell him again that we are going inside and like magic the kid begins to move toward home. But he is literally scootching his butt forward dragging his shorts on the ground. And as I start to walk toward the front door, out of sight, he finally picks up his booty and begins to bear crawl home. Screaming all the while. Bear crawl + screaming at the top of his lungs = CPS is definitely being called because why is this child screaming and where is his mother for crying out loud? (She is hiding in the pantry staring at the wall. Not really. Sadly.)

Boomerang to the rescue! Video coverage on a loop and in hyper speed. Asshole Kid in the Wild.

I would like to say that he was rescued, tamed, and acclimated to civilization once he entered the home, but he is refusing to eat lunch because chicken tacos are “dinner, not lunch!” and has not quite throwing a fit for over an hour.

Honestly, what is a mom to do!?

Blog about it while doing labored breathing and counting down till Family Nap Day officiates.

42 minutes and counting…PTL.

 

How did Asshole Kid get started? The introduction: Asshole Kid: Am I allowed to say that out loud? 

 

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