Asshole Kid: Eats All My Keto Food
Picture this: special meal planning, special grocery shopping (ok, who am I kidding, I use Instacart and they deliver to my door), special meal prep that includes weighing the food in ounces and inputting all the info into My Fitness Pal (want to witness my mess of the Keto life? Feel free and friend me!), cooking the meal and READY to eat this glorious plate of heaven (all measured out and input) and Asshole Kid: EATS all my keto food!
Living that keto life has actually been quite easy and fit in nicely with our home and trying to wean my darling children off of the sugar drug, processed foods, and the grain. (Don’t even fret, we are failing miserably and last night my middle child and I stuffed our faces with Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. I am on a mission. If I eat all of them, they won’t be in my house anymore for me to eat later. Sacrifices, people!) But I will say, sometimes I preferred Whole 30 over Keto because it didn’t require the measuring and being so specific about what and how much you eat. I could feed the kids, feed my husband, and feed myself without much worry who ate off my plate. Moms, you KNOW your plate is never again your own, but in fact a shared plate. (No one told me I would never again, and I mean NEVER, have a single glass of water that is MY OWN.)
Never again will I not have to share my plate or drink (unless I tell them it’s mommy’s special drink and it is only for adults.)
Maybe this is, in fact, an asshole parent post because what kind of parent doesn’t want their children eating a healthy prepared meal, but instead, wants to shove processed muffins in their face rather than share their keto meal made specifically for themselves? (Shall I change the title or stick with it? Let’s just keep going. You make the judgement!)
When you can bust a meal out in 20 minutes, but it takes 47 minutes because the kiddos want to “help”.
So yesterday I prepared this amazing baked egg dish that actually tasted like bread pudding. BREAD PUDDING! And when you’re on keto (minus the freaking Reece’s for crying out loud), just the mere mention of bread pudding makes your mouth water. I used an immersion blender (getting fancy, I know) to mix the warmed cream cheese, melted butter, cracked brown organic eggs, freshly grated cinnamon (ok, I made that part up, it was already grated or however cinnamon comes) and pure vanilla extract to mix the ingredients to a perfect consistency without lumps. I poured the mixture into the pan and baked the double portion of bliss in the oven for 20 minutes. I pull out this gorgeous looking souffle of sorts and my belly can literally not stand another moment with gobbling up a meal that should feel like a cheat, but is 100% compliant and encouraged. (Fat was a little high in comparison to the protein, but technicalities.)
Egg bake made for one; consumed by two.
{Need actual recipe from #keto.sam.iam? Here is her original post about this keto must-have: https://www.instagram.com/p/BjsxXv-gQl7/}
Before I continue, let me list the items that Asshole Kid: Eats ALL my keto food has already consumed for the day:
2 eggs scrambled
1 slice of french toast (yes, pesky grains)
1 ENTIRE avocado (he eats it by the spoonful)
1/2 a Pure Protein caramel shake
1 slice of cheddar cheese
AND IT IS ONLY 9AM!
The asshole kid is surely full and will not be tempted, not have any desire to eat my full prepped, full counted, full inputted, full cooked meal…surely, no?
WRONG! I secretly start taking bites out of my keto heaven, hovered around the stove so that no one spots mommy chewing, even trying to distract him with his favorite movie, his favorite toy, a glass of milk (should I offer chocolate in the milk? That would work, right?) Second bite in…”Mommy, I bite? Mommy, bite pease. Bite, mommy!” The only thing that would have made it worse is if he started chanting our household mantra, “sharing is caring.” DAMNIT to all things keto! I have to share with my kid! How am I going to count the macros now? What am I going to subtract from my tracking with each bite he takes? Seriously, kid! We have an entire refrigerator full of food. Your entire being is full of food! “More, pease…tanks you, mommy.” #idie
[…] Out of the corner of my eye, mid thank you letter telling someone she picked the perfect color for her complexion, I hear a sound, a sound that I wouldn’t normal hear in my office. Asshole Kid: peed in a cup! (Thankfully not a cup I was using! Or a cup with pre-measured keto amazingness.) […]