Asshole Kid: Ate Dog Poop
Ate dog poop? Dare I say, this event may be one of the more traumatic experiences in my life. And I may be a little afraid to share it because there are no other asshole kid moments that will ever compare to this? Right? (I just jinxed myself, didn’t I.)
There was something different about the baby bear in his infancy. Different than my two older boys. They all had their own ways of doing things, their own time frames for their milestones, their individualized likes and dislikes, their completely unique sleep patterns (oh how much I could share about their sleep patterns!)…
But my youngest, he was, dare I say it, special! (In this instance, NOT the good kind of special.)
The baby put everything in his mouth! EVERYTHING! From the moment he started to crawl and move his way around the house, every single itty bitty or big giant thing in his path was (attempted or successfully) put into his tiny little baby mouth. Batman figurine. (Mouth.) Legos. (Mouth.) Cheerios. (Mouth). Weird-looking black bug. (Mouth). Corner accumulation of dog hair. (**gag, gag** Mouth). Mud, dirt, grass, soil, flower petals, rocks…anything outside out in the wild that is our front yard. (Mouth). And what you’ve all been waiting for (or dreading, but just can’t look away): Dog poop. (Mouth).
(Do I even include an image in this blog post? What does one expect to SEE with a title like this?)
I feel like some may be asking themselves almost immediately (not what kind of parent can this damn woman be, nope not all all. But instead…) what KIND of poop was it? For excitement factor, let me hold off on divulging that golden piece of information.
It was a bright and sunny day. The clouds were scattered through the sky, light and fluffy and accenting the blue hues of the globe…(blah, blah, blah). My asshole kid ate dog poop for f**ks sake!
The time was nearing 4:30pm and I like to get dinner started (if possible) so that we are eating dinner before 9:47pm and I scooted the boys out the back door, putting the oldest in charge of the kidlets. (Rest assured, the back door was wide open, all blinds were open, and they are literally less than 100 feet away at all times. We have a very small backyard.) I turn the pan on for whatever I was going to make (it has completely vanished from my memory due to the intensity of what happens next).
(I really wish I was better with puns. The opportunity for a shit storm of poop puns is raining down on my parade.)
I hear a scream from the back door, then another. Both big boys are screaming, more like gasping and gagging. Naturally, I run outside thinking something terrible has gone wrong and an Emergency Room trip is imminent. The big boys are racing and sprinting as far away from the baby as possible. That is when I see what has happened.
The asshole kid ate dog poop. It’s on his hands, his pants, his shirt, and his MOUTH. His lips.
“Mommy, ucky. Ucky lips.” **insert puking here**
And for the record it was soft serve.
How did this madness get started? I had kids!
But the documented madness started with the very first post: https://gabandglitter.com/asshole-kid-am-i-allowed-to-say-that-out-loud
And there have been quite a few more along the way so far! Make sure and check our to keep up with all the excitement AND subscribe to Gab & Glitter!