Asshole Kid: Thou Shall Never Poop in Peace Again
Kids are so fun they say! So cute! So snuggly. What are you going to name them? What outfits are you going to dress them up in? Oh, just look at these little baby shoes. The cutest little baby shoes you ever did see…
Oh, by the way, you will never (I mean ever) poop in peace again. (Unless of course your definition of peace is your children holding your hand on the toilet, hanging out with you in the potty room, or (gasp) eating a bowl of eggs next to you while you do your business.
Mom, I gotta eat them while they’re hot. (And I cannot leave your side to do so.)
(Lord have mercy this girl is telling me about her bathroom experiences. Oh just relax, we all poop. Pretty sure there is even a book about this…YEP! Here she is: https://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Turtleback-School-Library-Binding/dp/0613685725)
When I was younger I remember chatting with girlfriends about what our baby’s names would be: Addison, Amelia, Charlotte (Charlie), Samantha, Molly, Sophia, Olivia…(super ironic I never had a boy name and now I can’t even imagine myself with a little Charlotte.) The idea of having children, the mere concept of being a mommy was so fun and exciting! There little angelic human beings were going to be such an adventure. Disappointingly, not once did we ever dream about being locked up in a restroom with all three children trying to do our doo in peace. (Can’t a mom around these parts poop in peace, for crying out loud!)
Moms with older children often tell me I will miss this time. Miss the time when all three boys are fighting for their own love and attention. When all three boys are all fighting for a piece of my lap. When I am literally drawing a line down my body and telling each boy they have to stay on this side of my boob (while pointing to the left specifically for one kiddo and the right hand side for another)! I will miss their whining and crying over buttering their bread when they wanted to do it. Miss the potty-training fiascos where the baby rips of his diaper (like a striper, no less) and proceeds to poop in the pantry when the toilet is 15 whole steps away. Miss the midnight wakeup calls that are my children screaming, “mommy!” during a bad dream or a fear of monsters under their bed.
And you know what, they are right! I will miss all this insanity. I will miss every single moment with them. The good, the amazing, the insanely weird, the terrible, and the craziness, but one single thing I just may not miss, the one single thing I may look forward to forgetting…
Doing the doody with my kids in attendance. Come on down, step right up…mom has to go number TWO!
Egg face over here, looking all cute, while mommy does the doo.
Many more Asshole Kid moments right here! Can you relate? Leave me a comment and subscribe to my blog! Would love to connect with you!
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